I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
