we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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