You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
