my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
