your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
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I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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