please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.