I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
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I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
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He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I would ride that face into the sunset
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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