Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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