Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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