I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
3pm strippers are depressing
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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