All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
