My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
