I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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