Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just threw up on my dentist
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
