there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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