i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
