Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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