my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
