He kissed a someone with a penis
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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