Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
