My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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