Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
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someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
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The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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