I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
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We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
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I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.