Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.