i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
What a dumb baby whore.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
