and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
