Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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