he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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