shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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