I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
