Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
