Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
