I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So much rum. So many feels.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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