I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
