i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
