Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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