there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I touched a dick in church today
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
