So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize