Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I smell stomach acid.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
