A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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