I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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