laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
