You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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