enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
