Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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