why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
