Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
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If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
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Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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