i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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