We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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