i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
