i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
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He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
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I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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