i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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