the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
