walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Randomize