Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
