i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
