I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
