I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
