Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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