she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
