mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
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That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
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female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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