Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
