the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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