he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
