So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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